TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let's have A further area wherever American Gentlemen can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: give everyone a suite to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to end working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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